Reminiscing
Fiona left the house afraid that if she didn't leave she would become part of the house itself. She needed to get out to feel normal again. She hated to admit it, but those words of Shrek echoed in her ears and hurt. You are ugly, you are ugly reverberated in her mind over and over. It wasn't something she hadn't told herself before over and over or that she hadn't heard from others, but it was the way he spat it at her like she was the most loathsome thing in the world. Those words were laced with poison and hatred.
As Fiona continued to walk her mind wandered back to her childhood full of happier times, but also of great pain. She tried to stop the intrusive thoughts, because of the pain of losing her parents, but yet the memories of the happier times she had shared with her parents brought her comfort. She decided not to fight the thoughts this time as she needed some comforting right now and this was all she had.
Fiona's mind drifted back to the day her dad gifted her the music box she still treasured.
She was nothing but a tyke, but she would never forget how excited her father was to give it to her. When her father opened the box and the music beautiful dreamer floated out into the air, she clapped and squealed with delight. This was her most treasured possession ever. It still sat next to her bed and many a night the music floated wrapping her in its comforting embrace.
She was the apple of his eye and there was nothing she liked better than to be held in her father's arms while he tickled her.
Even better was when his hand reached out and took on the shape of the "monster" who ambushed her tummy in a wild scratching/tickly motion.
Fiona would scream in pretend terror at the "hand monster" coming at her tummy, and would collapse in giggles as it tickled her tummy. She would cry mo, mo daddy, mo.
Fiona adored her father and sometimes when he was not at home she would cry for hours aggravating her mother.
Fiona loved her mother, but her emotions were mixed. Her mother had times when she was very loving and kind to Fiona, but she seemed at times to act like she hated her.
Fiona couldn't complain, as she did have good memories of her mother as well.
Fiona loved her mother, but her emotions were mixed. Her mother had times when she was very loving and kind to Fiona, but she seemed at times to act like she hated her.
Fiona couldn't complain, as she did have good memories of her mother as well.
Like the times her mother would let her play on the spring rides for hours watching protectively over her summer or winter.
She loved the times when her mother picked her up and placed her on the ride. Her mother didn't show much affection or hold her much, so these times were special to her. She didn't know why her mother didn't like to hold her, or cuddle her like daddy did. Her mother only seemed to hold her when she had to.
Her mother always wanted to kiss and hug daddy and not her. She being a child didn't know why her mother didn't want to do those things to her. She felt sad when her mommy kissed daddy and she would sit near by hoping her mother would turn to her and kiss her too. She never did.
Sometimes she would hold out her arms after only a short time on the ride just so she could have her mother pick her up. Fiona felt bad that mommy didn't want to touch her or snuggle her like daddy. Sometimes when she had a nightmare and daddy was not around, mommy would come in and yell at her to stop crying. If she continued mommy would take her night light away, so she learned to hold her crying in. She would play her music box after a nightmare and cower under her covers terror washing over her longing for her mother to come to her and wrap her in her arms dispelling the monsters lurking under her bed. Sometimes she was so scared, she would risk her mother's wrath and beg her mother to let her sleep in her bed with her. Her mother would only berate her for being a baby and send her back to her room after giving her as she said "something to cry about". Fiona thought that there was something wrong with her to make mommy be so mean to her.
Fiona smiled and thought of Sherri her "friend" that she had mentioned to Shrek. This was her bosom buddy for many years and it didn't matter that no one else could see her, she was and always would be real to her. With her dad being gone so much of the time and her mother with her "moods", Fiona turned to Sherri for comfort. She made her feel better when she was sad or lonely, but she couldn't help when she was having those nightmares. She tried poor dear, but nothing but her mother or daddy could dispel those.
Fiona sighed. This was why so much of the time she suppressed her memories, but today her mind would not let them go. All of a sudden her thoughts swiveled to when she was a child.
She was not a pretty child. She looked like a boy in girl's clothes and an ugly boy at that. She remembered how excited she was the first day of school, but by the end of the day she came home crying, because the other kids called her names.
As bad as she had felt that day, she was shocked that her mother actually reached out and hugged her. She could count on one hand the times her mother had hugged her and that was one of them. She had been so grateful for the contact and craved more, but her mother just wouldn't do so.
She had run to her dad when he got home and told him what the other kids had done to her. He wrapped her close in his arms and whispered how special she was and they were just mean, because they were jealous of her. She smiled at the memory. She didn't believe it at the time, but she loved her daddy and wanted it to be true.
One day she asked her mother why she didn't love her. Her mother got angry and told her to not ask stupid questions. She was really upset and it hurt Fiona to think that she might have hurt her mother with that question, but she had to know. Her mother in a condescending tone said I refuse to answer such a stupid question. You should know better than to ask that.
Fiona hurt wished she could have taken that question back. She knew the reason her mother didn't love her was her fault, but didn't know what she had done to make her mother not love her. She would do anything to please her.
Time sped on and there were many rough patches in her childhood, but many happy times too. The day came when she grew up into a teenager.
She was so excited and happy. Her dad and mom gave her a birthday party. It was the best day of her life to that time. She couldn't have been happier. She grew up and smiled ear to ear.
Fiona hurt wished she could have taken that question back. She knew the reason her mother didn't love her was her fault, but didn't know what she had done to make her mother not love her. She would do anything to please her.
Time sped on and there were many rough patches in her childhood, but many happy times too. The day came when she grew up into a teenager.
She was so excited and happy. Her dad and mom gave her a birthday party. It was the best day of her life to that time. She couldn't have been happier. She grew up and smiled ear to ear.
.Her dad gave her a gift. A journal to write things about her life in. He inscribed it "to our beautiful angel who has so much to say, and will change the world with her words". It was signed dad and mom. She loved it and her daddy so much. He said it was from mommy and him, but she knew the truth. It was her dad's doing.
After her father gave her the gift she decided to ask the question that her mom refused to answer. Daddy, I know this gift is from you and don't try to lie. Now that I am a teenager the only other gift I want is for you to tell me why does mom hate me? Her dad looked down at the floor and protested that her mother loved her just as much as he did. She knew that it wasn't true, but also that her dad wouldn't tell her anymore.
Her birthday had been the happiest day of her life, but became the saddest day because she finally figured out the truth for herself. She had walked into the bathroom as usual. She couldn't stop smiling she was so happy.
Her birthday had been the happiest day of her life, but became the saddest day because she finally figured out the truth for herself. She had walked into the bathroom as usual. She couldn't stop smiling she was so happy.
Suddenly she glanced into the mirror and saw this hideous green visage looking back at her. She stood closer and gazed into the mirror harder. Who was that? Did that ugly hideous image belong to her?
She closed her eyes wishing that what she had seen wasn't true. It couldn't be. Could she be that ugly? She was afraid to look. She stood there a long time hoping that when she opened her eyes again the image would be a beautiful young woman like her mother.
Knowing she had to face it, she opened her eyes and leaned in closer. She almost screamed in terror it was too horrible. She now knew why her mother hated her. She was an ugly beast. Not just ugly, but hideous. She was a freak, and not pretty like her mother. Not only did she understand why her mother didn't love her, but she didn't blame her one little bit for doing so!